Shinrai is Japanese for "Trust".
Trust is a metaphysical dilemma I haven't conquered at all, especially in men.
Perhaps it's all the bad apples I had in my life; perhaps it's my father, dealing with what he did to the family.Perhaps it stems from a deeper source that I haven't discovered...Self-esteem?
Think about it: Is there truly someone out there you can trust, besides God or one of your parents?
The only people I trust to a higher level are very few of my female friends. Though it isn't completely, it's significantly more than I trust my brothers, or any male in my life. This is an issue that has constantly plagued me, but I truly feel as though I just can't put my complete trust in anyone other than God and my mother. Honestly, everyone else can kick rocks.
Is it because I don't believe they deserve it? Betrayal is the ultimate breaker for me. In forms of backstabbing, cheating, etc. I feel everyone is capable of hurting me. If I'm with someone, I feel they're cheating, and sooner or later I will find out. Is the truth that everyone's going to hurt you at some point in your life? I've heard of sayings, "The person that makes you smile the most, is the person that makes you cry the most." And all I can say to that is, what kind of bullshit?? If the person makes you smile so much, what the hell could they possibly do to make you cry?
Though it is bad to say, I don't think it's a really bad problem that I don't trust anyone else completely. Hell, I don't even think I will be able to trust my husband when I'm married. And unfortunately, that may be my ultimate downfall in the thing called a relationship, and it may be what makes or breaks that relationship. Honestly, that's fine. Jemiella Ayala has trust issues. She will always accuse you of cheating, she will always accuse you of something. Are you willing to deal? No?
Then hit the road, bub.
